dear plants in my house,

I must offer my most sincere apologies. You must curse the luck that had you end up here, in plant hell, rather than with some sweetheart with a giant green thumb. We try, we really try. But we do not seem to be able to do what thousands of first graders do with beans every year - keep a plant alive and healthy. We haven't actually killed any of you (except for your friend from Ikea, but we swear he was already dead when we bought him) but you are living in some sort of plant twilight zone. Your leaves are brown and wilted, your stems droopy and really (no offense intended) quite pathetic. I wouldn't call it "flourishing", that's for damn sure.

We've tried moving you around to get more light, less light. We try to water regularily, we really do. But nothing seems to help. It's like there should be a giant green warning sign on our house, telling plants to flee now, before it's too late. You all should've made breaks from the car as we brought you home, fleeing to the park to live wild and free. It would've been rough, life on the street, but it would've been better than what we've given you.

I'm actually suspicious that one or two of you may have escaped under cover of darkness last week...I swear there were more plants last time I watered...

Anyways, I just want to apologise for being totally useless when it comes to plants. And I want to ask you to please have mercy on me, and when it comes time for you to make your escape, please don't sneak upstairs and strangle me with your stringy brown tendrils first?

Take my roommate, I swear it's all his fault.