there's an architect out there who skipped a LOT of classes

I'm going to a conference in England, leaving on Sunday. So of course I'm just now entering my "oh dear god, I'm leaving in less than 72 hours and I've got nothing ready" panic. As part of the conference malarky, I have to have a poster. I was actually organised enough to get this poster printed by the University. Usually I'm too late for the University's speedy, speedy service, and end up having to go to Kinko's. But no, this time, Organisation R' Us.

Little did I know that the karma accumulated over the last few years of procrastination was about to come up and bite me in the ass. Thanks karma, I hope I get a chance to do something nice for you one day.

Today I decided to go over and pick up my poster. Turns out the University, in its wisdom and brilliance, put Multimedia Services in the Health Sciences building, which I might point out, is not, technically, anywhere near campus. It's in the hospital. Because when I think Multimedia services, I think hospital.

Seriously. I do.

Anyways, I haul my ass over to the hospital, actually find Health Sciences on the FIRST try (oh yeah, oh yeah) and take only three, maybe four circles to figure out how to get into a parking lot that is not reserved for the handicapped, nurses, med students, or people with insanely expensive parking passes. I shell out the requisite 3$ for 40 minutes of parking and head inside.

Now when I called Health Services earlier, to check if my poster was ready, the guy said "oh, we're totally easy to find. Basement of Health Sciences, Room B233. Just ask at the security desk." This guy hates his job. And he's got a really warped sense of humour. But on he phone, he sounds like a nice, trustworthy sort of person, who wouldn't make up an imaginary security desk.

I enter Health Sciences, looking for a security desk of any sort. Or really, anyone who looks like they work there, or even speaks english. No luck. Ok, well, I'm a smart girl, I can find it myself. So I take elevator 'e' down to the basement.

The architect who designed the floor plan of the basement skipped a LOT of classes in architect school. And the guy who numbered the doors? He's now in rehab for his crack problem. None of the corridors are at right angles to each other. The numbering system bears no relation to the order of the doors. The corridors have also been given numbers and letters. As in say, corridor "3B". The numbers bear no relation to the numbers on the doors of the rooms in that corridor. The letter bears no relation to the letter name given to the elevator in that corridor. No two elevators actually go to the same floors.

Add to this the fact that the hallways are full of junk. And this is health sciences so it's kind of creepy junk. There are fridges with glass doors lining some walls, full of containers of mystery liquids and other murky things I did not want to look too closely at. I like people's insides to stay inside them, if you get my drift.

So I wander this maze for a while, actually still kind of cheerful about the whole excursion, feelign a bit like an interpid adventurer, until I find a map. I think "awesome. the map will tell me where 233 is"

Yeah, not so much. Apparently the guy who made the map? He also skipped a lot of classes, and didn't pay real good attention in the ones he did attend. Room 232? It's on the map. Room 234? Also on the map. These two rooms are nowhere near each other, and 233 is non-existent. I'm starting to get worried.

Finally I see an actual person. Understand it's just after four o'clock at this point, so I'm getting a little worried about the openness of Multimedia Services. Office workers at the University do not stay after 4:30. Even for life or death situations. If you have a heart attack in a University office, pray that the ambulance gets there before 4:28, because after that, CPR training or not, those people are gone. I flag down the actual person, and beg them to show me the way to Multimedia Services. (note that I still have not come across any kind of security desk)

So finally I find it, in this twisty little corridor, way the hell back amongst some broken creepy stuff fridges. [aside: on a broken filing cabinet next to the door to Multimedia Services, there is a cooler sized styrofoam container. It says various things on it like "biological hazard" "do not freeze" "keep refrigerated" and there was a picture of a little penguin on it. I am so sure that if I had opened that sucker up, there would've been some really gross dried up baby penguin parts in it. ew ew ew.]

Still no security desk of any kind.

I go into Multimedia Services and ask for my poster. Miracles never cease, they have it. $37.50. So I offer the same guy (the one who told me they were "easy to find") my Mastercard. He is gleeful in announcing that not only do they not take cards, but there are no cash machines in the building. It's about ten after four, I need this poster today. Crap. crap crap crap. I almost burst into tears.

To make an excessively long story short, I found the cash machine with the help of two lovely custodial workers in the foothills hospital, neither of whom spoke english, but did understand "cash machine". The cash machine in the foothills hospital, in another moment of design brilliance, is in some bland random hallway leading from nowhere special to nowhere in particular. The hallway goes... patient room - patient room - patient room - cash machine - patient room - patient room.

Yeah. That's what I said.

I also got to experience both construction fun and games plus the creepy crawly feeling you get when someone coughs on you in a hospital. ew. ew ew ew ew ew.

I made it back to multimedia services and got my poster just in time. I only got lost twice more on the way back. (Still no security desk) Mr. OhYeahWe'reEasyToFind complained about having to make change (um, $2.50? Was he looking for a tip? After the whole imaginary security desk?) and tried to make me take someone else's CD of Illustrator files. I think he'd been sniffing the dried penguin parts.

Anyways, the moral of the story is beware of procrastination karma. It's a bitch. (Okay, so there's not really a moral, I just wanted to complain about health sciences.)

Next time: My dad versus the killer hornets - Who survives?!?!? Who gets a whole can of Raid in the face?!?!? Who takes a shower with all their clothes on?!?!?! Tune in to find out!